Gold, Money and Daughters: The Properties we Keep in Lockers

 

My father once shared a saying by a saint with me “If we plant a sapling in the shade of a big tree, it will never grow to the heights it is supposed to. Move that sapling away from the tree’s shade and it will grow up into a bigger tree. These saplings are like children, you have to give them some space and freedom to make them strong, independent and successful.” These lines were something he actually preached because the amount of freedom I got from my parents is unimaginable. In my small life of 28 years, not even once I was told that I can’t do anything because I am a female.  

I don’t take this privilege lightly as I know how rare it is to have one. I can’t even call myself as the part of a minority as even for that you need some count. We belong to an endangered species. Whenever I listen to my friends sharing the things that are not allowed to them, it annoys the hell out of me. I can tell from my first-hand experience that it just doesn’t help anyone. It is clearly outdated, obviously sexist and kills confidence in scores of women in our country.  

 

Let me explain why the privilege I have is necessary for everyone: 

 

 (I am going to use a lot of ‘we’ and ‘us’ in this article to represent the group of women who do not have this privilege. I personally do not belong to that group. The reason why I am clarifying it is because my parents (who are on my social media) may end up reading this article and I don’t want them to accuse me of lying.)  

 

Hide it in the Pallu  

 

Clothes are to save us from foreign substances. In India, we women use them to hide our izzat too. I grew up in Haryana which is still very orthodox. Fortunately, by the time I reached college, the notion that women should wear only salwar suits after a certain age was almost gone. But still, some restrictions that many of my female friends had were outrageous. For example, they couldn’t wear anything sleeveless.  

I can’t understand what is the treasure these parents think we hide in our underarms that we will lose if we will wear sleeveless. I am certain these parents are not concerned about the cost or pain of waxing. What’s the magic that those 3 inches of arms have and the rest of the arms don’t. I have been majorly wearing sleeveless throughout my life and not a single man who approached me romantically ever said that he fell for my shoulders. Another probable lust-inducing body part we women have is the area around our belly button.  

You can wear a saree but a crop top is tauba tauba. It’s another mystery how that thinly plated pallu covers our 5 inches of izzat and how a crop top can’t hide 2 inches with this perspective. Don’t wear shorts because your knees are as seducing as your shoulders. Don’t even wear ripped jeans because our izzat may leak from the splits. Funny thing is, you can easily find desi ladies everywhere wearing see-through blouses. Even after being super modern, it’s a stunt even I can’t do. 

 

Marriages and the Pokémon Upgrades  

 

If you are from the 90s or a mobile game lover, you must know about Pokémons. These are fictional creatures that evolve instantly from a smaller form to bigger. In just seconds, they pretty much upgrade. This is something many parents think we women are capable of.  

Now, in most middle-class families, you can’t even think about sex. In many of these families, girls do not befriend boys. In some unfortunate ones, they are not even allowed to talk to the opposite gender. So, the theory is, if you will leave two young humans alone who are full of hormones, they will instantly do sex. This theory is not completely wrong because these young humans are left with these raging natural impulses and no knowledge whatsoever but lots of unhealthy misinformation everywhere. Solution? Who is going to stop boys, so just make your daughters fear them and avoid them! 

UNTIL it’s their marriageable age. Now, you are not only supposed to marry a man but also show him your belly button, shoulders, knees and the rest of everything too. Now, sex is not only fine but it’s mandatory because only then we can fulfill the only role that we have as humans, which is of an oven to bake new humans.  

In this new age where doing crime is less easy, the parents, especially in cities, can’t force their daughters to marry whomever they find fit. So now, these daughters with their newfound power, say a lot of No to unqualified prospective grooms. These parents who can’t understand why she declined that over-aggressive guy or that boy who asked about her virginity, feel helpless. Their daughter is going above the so cold marriageable age (which is a non-real thing) and she is still ‘alone’ in this cruel world. Her being independent and earning doesn’t matter because we are just properties who can be owned and transferred from one party to another. While inter-caste marriages are still not enough in-fashion, love marriages are, so here comes this now-so-common dialogue “beta koi pasand ho to btado, apni caste ka hua to shadi kra denge”. For our whole life, we kept avoiding our crushes like they were some unachievable princes, rejected offers from everyone including these princes and now you want us to develop a non-existent confidence and talk to them? And what we are going to ask them? “Bhaisahab, apki caste kya hai? Agar apka jawab sahi hua to let’s remove the bhaisahab!”  

We are not Pokémon who can just upgrade from being fearful of boys to someone who openly lusts for them suddenly.  

 

Everywhere is Area 51  

 

Turns out, if a woman is allowed to go anywhere with male friends, (at times) female friends or god forbid alone, something terrible will happen. Obviously, ladkia to khuli tijori ki tarah jo hoti hai. They can’t be allowed to travel unless it’s their honeymoon.  

I am barely 5’2″, thin, with no type of self-defense training, anyone can easily outrun me and I am too lazy to be fit for physically fighting with anyone. I was severely underweight when I was in college. I lived 9 months (3+6) out of the last two years of my college alone, on the first floor of two different full-sized bungalows, in one of the most unsafe city in Haryana (and thus India). I traveled alone a couple of times in India and then I went to Thailand alone, which was my first ever international trip. I visited 3 cities, used only public transport, roamed at nights during my eight days stay. And guess who turned out to be just fine without any major incident ever? Meanwhile, there are uncountable girls and ladies who are murdered and raped in the safety of their own homes.  

This “women should not travel without their families or husbands” is just bullshit! Safety is in one’s own hand. If you raise your daughter to be independent and mentally strong, she will be just fine anywhere. Parents often justify it with other excuses like “log puchege to hum kya khege”. How about the basic “ghumne gai hai”? Why let the conversation seems like she ran away with someone. How come these often-negative ‘log’ turn out to be more important than your own damn kids. Why can’t you simply defend your own child in front of these neighbors, relatives and all?  

The last golden excuse these parents throw is “jab shadi ho jaegi to pati sath ghumne jana, tab koi nhi rokega” obviously because remember? We are just properties that are transferred!. 

 

And They thought They Got it  

 

Do you know why jails have such strong security systems? Because every living being wants freedom, at any cost. Even the best prisons don’t have a 100% containment record. Meanwhile, parents who obviously can’t be with their kids 24*7, who are certainly (and hopefully) not living with the same security standards, believe that their daughters are going to live in the shackles they made for them. As per my observations, the stricter the parents are, the more gossip-worthy adventures their daughters commit. Lying is difficult for the first time only and everything which is off-limit looks more tempting. Result? With every lie, you go beyond and beyond. I have seen girls going beyond the safe line because they just couldn’t get enough of their self-created freedom. Enforcement of such unrequired limitations can easily end up in a disaster rather than safety.  

There were a few things my parents never wanted me to do. These things were never enforced on me or my sister but we were told why we shouldn’t do it. We were then left to decide for ourselves. I don’t drink alcohol, never touched it. I am a pure vegetarian too. They wanted me to do it for religious reasons, my reasons are completely different but they are mine only. Now, even if my parents will ask me to deflect from these things, I won’t. You can never force teachings; you can only teach them. Now alcohol or non-veg is good or bad is a different story, I am no one judge anyone’s life choices. Point is, forcing any such habits is not going to help.  

 

Let’s conclude with some suggestions to the parents:  

 

First, generation gap is real and it’s unrealistic to expect your daughters to live and behave as if they belong to your era. “Hmare time mei aisa hi hota tha” is not a valid excuse anymore as that time is long gone. Adapt or at least let your daughters live in the present.  

Second, forget “log kya khege” and always remember “kuch to log khege, logo ka kaam hai kehna”  

Third and final, try to be friends with your kids. If you can’t, at least don’t be a warden. Remember, no one loves wardens and their signatures on the out-passes are often faked. 

 

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